Guide To An Unsucsessful Relationship
by kygirl101
Summary: Remember, true love lasts forever...or until something better comes along. Kyouya and Kaoru experiment with a crazy relationship and everyone knows where it's going to end--The Breakup...But at least the ride was fun. A Happy Bunny enspired ficlet. Yaoi
1. Chapter One: The Crush

**Mwahahahahahaha! I know I promised I wouldn't do another multichaptered fic until I finished the ones I already had, but I couldn't help it. This year for Christmas, I got a Happy Bunny book, and it was key to breaking up and love, so I read it and then it hit me: Why not write a crack-esque fic with KyouKao about a break up. Each chapter deals with a different stage of the oddness of this couple, and it's a little OOC, but it still works! I had lots of fun doing this! ^^ Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own nor profit from OHSHC or Happy Bunny. All italics at the beginning of each segment are the actually writings from the Happy Bunny book, but I've made them into my own context. Dun due me.**

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**Guide to an Unsuccessful Relationship**

Chapter One: The Crush

_Getting people to focus on what's most important: YOU!_

_Let your new crush know that you're sincere and genuine._

The gift tag was a dead give away. It was perched ever so precariously on top of the green and gold wrapped box that it called to him like a beacon in the stormy weather, only that it was partially sunny outside and there were no flashing lights around his head. At least, none that anyone could see.

Casually, and acting as if his fellow classmates were not talking about the gift, Ootori Kyouya walking purposefully towards his desk and sat down, placing his bag off to the side of the table and swiftly placing the package underneath his footing as well.

However, before he had indefinitely obscured the present from view, he spied the address card. In curly, loopy font were the words: "I sincerely want you ti genuienly worship me."

_'Oh, he is so dead!'_

--

_Show that cutey-patootey your smart and sensitive side._

"Ne, Kyouya," came a voice from behind him. He sighed, rubbing his eyes for a split second before turning his attention from his work and facing one of the Hitachiin twins with his blank stare.

"Yes?"

Kaoru smiled. "I was just wondering if you got anything today in class? Like a present or something."

Kyouya cocked one eyebrow and transformed his death-glare into one of loathing. "So it was you?"

The red head beamed. "Yeah! Wasn't it clever?"

Clever wasn't the operative word that the older of the two hosts was planning to use. No, clever didn't really come to mind when discussing a large purple and pink jewelry box that emitted the most horrible sound, even if unopened. No, it was downright annoying, not to mention embarrassing. Clever would be a good word to describe how he was going to hide Kaoru's body after the bloody murder, and how he was going to evade Hikaru's wrath.

"No," the brunette deadpanned, adjusting his glasses and allowing the light from the overhead lamps to flash dangerously off his lenses. "Clever is not what I think of when I remember you…gift…"

"Oh, well then, here you go," and Kaoru shoved a small piece of folded paper into his upperclassmen's hands. Before Kyouya could question his fellow club member's sanity, the red headed boy had danced away, calling back over his shoulder, "I made it up myself. It's clever, if you didn't consider my first gift to be so."

Kyouya glared after him, darting down at the paper as if it would explode. There was no ticking or anything, but that didn't make the Ootori feel any safer. Gently he opened the scrap, only to be faced with the same loopy handwriting that had been on the gift card.

It read;

_Roses are red and your boxers are green_

_I fancy you greatly so let's get obscene_

Followed by two little hearts and a swirly K+K

Kyouya sighed. Godamnit…

--

_And most important of all, tell that lil' hottie you think they're the best._

And so it happened. With a swift conversation, the two were officially the insane couple. Hikaru fell off the sofa and Tamaki broke a tea cup. Hunny clapped, Mori stood still and Haruhi gave her usually 'I-saw-that-coming' face. And if the other hosts thought that was crazy, they should have heard the terms.

"So, Kaoru, you say that if I concede to be your boyfriend, you'll stop with these stupid gifts?" Kyouya asked skeptically, holding the fluffy holiday lingerie and handcuffs that the other boy had given him a good arm's length away from his face and sneering at it.

"That's right!" The red head bobbed up and down enthusiastically and excitedly. "And if you want, we can even put those gifts to good use. I wasn't kidding in that poem and those handcuffs are fluffy so they don't chafe as much as the other kind would."

Kyouya was tempted to ask how the Hitachiin knew this, but figured it would be better if he didn't. Who knew what kind of answer he would get?!?!

"Fine, but may I ask why your so eager to date me and what exactly I get out of it?"

"To answer your questions in reverse, I'd say…: Sex and I think you're aboutt he best I can do for now…"

"Great."

"I know right?"

**Whoot, first installment. The others get crazier, but they still follow the same storyline. I'll have you all know I came up with Kaoru's poem by myself...However, don't ask how he knows Kyouya's boxers are green, okay? XD Please tell me if this crazy story is worth continuingXP**


	2. Chapter Two: Spying

**Well, this chapter was a bit longer than the first ^^ It was also a bit more random, and I hope that by now you have all figured out this is going to be a crazy and random story. Anyway, I do not own Host Club or 'Love Bites', so now that you know that, enjoy!**

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**Guide to an Unsuccessful Relationship**

**Chapter Two: Spying**

_It's just like when two people in love go for a long walk except one of them doesn't know they're being followed._

_Is spying as bad as it sounds? C'mom. They're in __your__ thoughts, you're in __their__ bushes. It all evens out._

It started with a phone call. One mid-sex. One for Kyouya. One he took. Kaoru moaned loudly in pleasure and disappointment, brushing one hand haphazardly through his hair and reaching the other one up to tug the cell from his dark haired boyfriend. The brunette viciously yanked it away from the boy under him and growled under his breath. Kaoru shrugged in response.

"Hello?" Kyouya greeted, his voice perfectly calm as he stopped moving. "Oh yes, hello Suzuki-sama…No, this is a great time."

Kaoru rolled his amber eyes and ground his hips upwards suggestively, craning his neck upwards to leisurely suck on the other's collar bone. He hummed contentedly.

"The order was for forty thousand sets of scrubs, Suzuki-san, not four hundred. How are we supposed to distribute four hundred sets of blue pants and shirts to over fourteen hospitals. The staff per quota is at least a hundred per settlement."

Kaoru smirked and slowly began to work his way up his lovers neck and eventually found himself tonguing his upperclassman's unoccupied ear. "You know…" he drawled. "You're so incredibly sexy when you talk business on your cell phone…Have you struck fear in the heart of 'Suzuki-san' yet?"

Kyouya glared. He pushed the offending red head back onto the pillows and growled, "You're more trouble than you're worth," under his breath, covering the mouth piece with a few fingers before resuming his conversation, resisting the hitch in his breath whenever Kaoru shifted.

"What…no, our male employees would be very adverse to wearing pink tutus until the order is refilled…No, the females would not wear swimsuits--this is a medical profession, Suzuki-san!! …Fine, I'm coming into the office right now."

"What!?!" the younger of the two demanded as his body jerked from the sudden lack of warmth and skin. Kyouya didn't even look at him as he dressed, generally ignoring the shocked Hitachiin on his bed. "Ky--Kyouya, we aren't even done!"

Now hunting for his shoes, the bespectacled boy tossed his head and held up a black leather patten lump. "Have you seen my other shoe?"

"Under the shelves," Kaoru pointed before he objected again. "Come on! They won't kill you for an extra twenty minutes."

"Maybe not…"

Kaoru threw his hands into the air exasperatedly. "Fine, five minutes! Just…come on!"

Now having successfully donning both shoes, the boy swung his arms into the sleeves of a large coat and exited his quarters. "Don't forget to go out the back way."

"Whatever," Kaoru snapped, but Kyouya was already gone. Standing the red head managed to spy his boyfriend out of the glassplated windows, walking into the limo that awaited him with a slight limp.

'Serves him right for deserting me right now,' the boy thought viciously, laying back on the bed for a good ten minutes of "self consolation".

-

_And it's a good way to protect your dumpling' from danger. Like the danger of meeting somebody better than you._

Since he had officially staked his claim on Kyouya, it became increasingly difficult for Kaoru to stomach the Host Club. The Brotherly Love act's material suffered due to lack of inspiration; none of the things the younger Hitachiin twin suggested would go over well with the girls and Hikaru wasn't used to pitching the ideas, just the acts themselves.

Not to mention the open hostility. Not only did the girls not know about Kyouya and Kaoru's flawed relationship, but they had unwittingly requested that Kyouya and Tamaki play the part of a couple. Needless to say, the blond feared for his life those few days, and both Kyouya and the younger of the red headed twins were both at their wits ends, but for different reasons.

"What do you mean this _thing_ is going to go on for a week!?!?!" Kaoru demanded, roughly shoving three tea cups into the cupboard while Kyouya did the same opposite him in the store room. Ever since Haruhi had joined the host club, Tamaki had insisted on doing things the "commoner way" and designated them cleaning shifts. Since sex was a rather important part of their relationship, Kyouya and Kaoru had usually overridden Tamaki's cleaning duties and delegated this time to fool around. But this particular session appeared to be more centered around the two screaming at each other now that the girls were gone.

"I didn't ask for this, Kaoru," Kyouya snapped back, slamming the cupboard closed and rounding on the red head.

Kaoru spun to face his boyfriend as well, face pointed into a scowl. "Well, you certainly didn't fight _against_ the idea!"

"It's for business!" Kyouya cried, exasperated and getting his blood pressure worked up. "Will you give it a rest?!"

"No!" Kaoru yelled, fisting his fingers in his hair with frustration in a rather Hikaru-like fashion. "He's stealing you!! Why can't you see that? The act should be with me; not Tamaki!! Those perving fangirls can rot in hell, for all I care. He's stealing my boyfriend!!"

"You're forgetting that I don't care about either of you in that sense and this relationship is purely for merit. What kind of relationship would this be if I stopped working to higher out stock points in order to make this a better experience for you? And, may I ask, exactly why you were watching myself and Tamaki; you had your own clients and there was no reason to spy on us."

Kaoru ground his teeth. "You're still mine!"

-

_And beside, isn't spying just another way of saying "I luv you so much I'm willing to invade your privacy to prove it"?_

Subconsciously, Kaoru pulled the hem of his too short maids outfit down as far as it would to cover his thighs, only to have the springy mat4erial jump back up higher than it was originally. However, before he pulled it back, he managed to find exactly what he was looking for.

On the outside, it looked like a regular notebook, the letters 'L-E-D-G-E-R' were stamped across the front in silver embossment and it was displayed in a deceptively obvious place. Other random notebooks were splayed across the desk, so strictly speaking, it was just pure luck that Kaoru had picked this one up first.

His brown wig slipped and landed with a whoosh on the carpeted floor, but he made no move to pick it back up. Far too enraptured by Kyouya's journal, amber eyes flicked from left to right as fingers drifted across the cover, lingering on the word 'ledger' with something akin to awe in his eyes.

Shaking his feet to relieve the pressure his heals had built up, Kaoru settled into Kyouya's desk chair and prepared to read, completely ignoring his skirt hiking up another inch or so.

"So this is where the great Ootori Kyouya keeps all his great secrets…Interesting…" and he slowly slipped his fingers under the front cover and opened the diary. On the first page was Kyouya's handwriting in one neat word: _'Kaoru'_

The next page: _'Don't'_

The next: _'Flip'_

Then: _'The'_

And then: _'Next'_

_'Page'_

_'Or'_

_'I'_

_'Will'_

_'Kill'_

_'You'_

_'Put'_

_'The'_

_'Ledger'_

_'Down'_

_'And'_

_'Step'_

_'Away'_

Kaoru's brow knit as he flipped randomly through the rest of the diary. It was blank.

"Having fun?"

The red head screamed, jumping out of the chair and flinging the notebook back onto the desk, twirling to face the newcomer. "K…Kyouya?"

"You know," the brunette drawled, eyeing his boyfriend from head to toe with a predatory gaze, "It's rude to spy."

Blushing to the roots of his hair, Kaoru lifted a hand to his mouth, turning his gaze down to the floor, he cursed girl's clothing and wigs; _they weren't meant for boy in disguise_, he decided.

"Well, you never tell me anything," he murmured into his fingers, reaching his other hand down to smooth out his skirt. Again, it didn't work, serving only to make Kyouya's eyes dart back downward.

"So you dress as a maid to infiltrate my study in hopes of finding something? Apparently this is not a trusting relationship on your part. Don't you trust me enough to let what I don't tell you lay to rest?"

The red head continued to blush but, in his own defense, he cried, "Well at least I like you! I wouldn't dress up like this for anyone!"

And thus Kyouya smirked again, taking a step towards his red faced lover. "I should hope not."

**MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! That was the closest I've ever written to smut! -munches self congratularily cookie- I also love the idea of this relationship being flawed. I hope that fact is communicable through this fic! XD ^^**

**-kisses- Please review! It'll make my day! ^^**


	3. Chapter Three: Let the Love Flow

**Guide To An Unsuccessful Relationship**

**Chapter Three: Let the Love Flow**

_Always tell your honey-bunny how cute they are._

"And then Hikaru turned to me and said 'If you're bedding him, what do we have to worry about? It's not like he'll hurt uh.' And then I told him that just because you wouldn't hurt me didn't necessarily mean that he was safe, but I don't think he heard me, so please don't kill him if something to do with green jello and your bed pr hair come into play, okay? Promise?"

Kaoru drew a breath.

"Oh and I was wondering if, this year, at graduation, that we can have an open bar and get us all pissed drunk and wild. Strippers and glittery drinks. I bet Tamaki would be hilarious as a drunk, don't you think? Haruhi and Hunny would also be funny, don't you think?"

He took another breath.

"also, I told my mother that you and I aren't having sex, but I don't think she believed me, so don't be surprised if she tries to interrogate you about our love life. I've told her she's too nosy for her own good and—"

A very quick inhale.

"—Kyouya, are you even hearing a thing I'm saying?"

The silver eyes continued to rove across the page without even blinking as his boyfriend finally stopped talking aimlessly and pushed him a question that would have to be answered. Kyouya inhaled seventeen times while Kaoru's questioning gaze bore holes into the dust cover of his book.

The brunette smiled and put the book aside. "You know, Kaoru…"

"Yes?"

"It's extremely cute how you think I'm listening."

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_Show you snooky-wookums that you care._

"I don't get this stupid math equation!" Kaoru yelled, frustrated and throwing his pencil at the ceiling—it stuck there.

Crossing his arms securely across his chest, the red head pouted with severe skill. It made every girl in the host club swoon with unprecedented adoration, especially when coupled with Hikaru's flirting and a simpering or embarrassed moan. However, seeing as his audience was none other than the Shadow King and it was a math test flirting with him and the moan had been more of a whine, it didn't work.

Kyouya ignored him and continued to allow his highlighter to hover over a page in his textbook. Kaoru whined, but was ignored, again.

It was then the idea crossed his mind and the Hitachiin couldn't suppress his trademark grin. Slowly, he rose from his chair and stalked across the room, swaying his hips femininely and purring.

"Kyouya," he sang, his voice sultry and seductive. "Will you…" he slipped a hand under his own shirt "…help me?"

Before looping his arms around his upperclassman's neck and situating himself so as to straddle the brunette's legs, the younger boy quirked one eyebrow in a suggestive question and lead in to nip Kyouya's ear lightly with his teeth.

Kyouya snorted, allowing Kaoru to do so for a good thirty seconds before hoisting him up bridal style and depositing him on the twin's joined bed. Kaoru squawked indignantly and glared at his boyfriend.

Kyouya just shook his head. 'Sometimes it worries me just how stupid you are, Kaoru. Exam finals are coming up; just study."

-

_Let your buttercup know that your feelings are deep._

Kaoru was hurt. Mentally of course. His lower lip trembled uneasily and his heart leapt unevenly. Why? Whywhywhy?! Sure, this whole dating thing was mainly an exchange of merits and gain, but…

"Ky…Kyouya…?" he whimpered, glancing up at his boyfriend from the couch of the host club. It was still too early in the day for the club to begin catering, but they were all still uptight. The youngest of the Ootori's had just given some very shocking news.

"Away?" Haruhi questioned. "Like…forever?"

Tamaki had flung himself at the demon lord's feet and was bawling about 'abandonment', 'divorce', 'cheating' and desperate pleas for him to stay. Hikaru was already contemplating the mayhem he would cause and Hunny was babbling about a going away party. Kaoru was hurt.

"How…how could you make plans to leave without telling me?" he sniffed.

Kyouya sighed. "It's only for a while, I'm not abandoning the club, no parties, no party and Kaoru…" Everyone got quiet as the two gazed at each other.  
I miss you so much when we're apart. Maybe we should be apart more often, then."


	4. Chapter 4: Games of War

**Guide To An Unsucsessful Relationship**

**Chapter Four: Games of War**

_The terrific thing about love is that so many great games have been invented as a result!_

"_No, You Hang Up!" Why en a call like a normal human being when you can indulge in the enjoyable sort of arguing about who should hang up first?_

He giggled like a bubbly schoolgirl and switched the ear his cellphone was pressed against. "No, Kyouya. You hang up."

A couple of miles away, the Ootori boy resisted the urge to kill something, and—as calmly as he possibly could—replied, "No, you hang up, Kaoru."

"No, you do it."

"Kaoru, come on—"

"You hang up."

"This is getting annoying. Hang up."

"Kyouya," he whined, "Just hang up."

"You do it."

"Kyouya, you—" a dial tone sounded and, affronted, Kaoru looked to see the 'call ended' signal on his screen.

"What the—" he pressed redial and when his boyfriend finally answered 'hello' on the other end of the line, he loudly accused, "You hung up on me!!!!"

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"Hey, Let's Fight!" It's easy to play and even easier to win. Simply be the first to ask a question the other person won't be able to answer without causing a huge argument.

It was a normal day in the host club music room; clients had come and gone with happy giggles and cries. That left only the hosts, relaxing and enjoying each others company. Hikaru and Haruhi were situated on a couch, chattering idly about school, family and Haruhi's agreement to take a part time job under the Hitachiin and Suoh residences. Tamaki was situated opposite them, spread out and napping with his bear; something Hunny would usually do. Speaking of the shorter host, he was currently ravaging the snack cupboards, munching randomly while his cousin stood idly by, watching.

On the other hand, Kyouya was typing furiously on his laptop, converting his financial loses into gains and generally defying political science. Kaoru sat next to him, watching the screen with a bored expression and thinking. Always a dangerous sign.

"Hey, Kyouya…?" the Hitachiin ventured, casually reaching out and placing a hand on his boyfriends arm to stay the typing.

Cooley, the youngest of the Ootori's turned calculating eyes to amber ones and, in a saccharine tone, answered, "Yes, Kaoru?"

"Do you think…" he took a deep breath, "Do you think I'm…fatter than when we met?"

Kyouya blinked. "Are you serious, Kaoru?"

"And another thing! Which one of us loves the other one more?" the other boy was relentless, plowing on with another stupid question.

By now, the two had successfully gained the attention of the other hosts, and the audience now listened with keen ears. Kyouya slapped a palm to his forehead and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Kaoru…"

"Also, if we were to break up which one of my friends would you date?"

Deathly silence reigned, during which time the bespectacled brunette sighed, knowing a fight—or more accurately, three—were brewing and, intending to get them over quicker, he chose the most reasonable answers.

"Alright," Kyouya conceded, adjusting his glasses and staring Kaoru directly in the eye. "In no particular order, your answers are: me, just a bit in the shoulder but it suits you, and Haruhi."

Silence. Everyone blinked, Haruhi secretly thinking 'ME!?!', but keeping her out gasp to herself. Everyone waited to see Kaoru's reaction and Kyouya could even swear he had seen the faintest hint of a smirk on his lover's lips before the storm broke.

"How the hell do you get off thinking that I don't love you enough?!?! I love you plenty more than you love me—and, and at least _8 million_ times more than Haruhi! God, where did that even come from!?! Do you think about her having sex?!" Hikaru flinched. "Oh wait, you have to because my d=shoulders are such disgusting pigs that you have to picture that twig under you." Hikaru flinched again, but no one paid him any mind as Kaoru finished off grandly. "Just who the hell do you think you are?!??!"

-

"_What's wrong? Nothing." You can play for just a few minutes, hours, or even weeks on end. And the rules are so simple to learn._

In all honesty, Kyouya was peeved. Why? Why was Kaoru acting this way? And why did he care again? Oh right, he didn't…But then why was he acting like this.

Kaoru was acting… detached. Estranged. Distant. Cold. Lonely. All of these, and yet whenever questioned, he'd give the same detached, distant and cold answer of "nothing". And this was what bothered Kyouya. If nothing was wrong, than Kaoru wouldn't be acting that way. In a sense, the red head way lying to him, and yet he could not prove it.

Hikaru couldn't seem to tell either, or he just wouldn't share the information he had gathered with the Shadow King; another quality that pissed the Ootori off. He and Kaoru were brothers—twins—and had often prided themselves on being practically psychic when it came to each other, and yet now…no one could tell what was bugging the younger of the Hitachiins.

This charade continued for five days until Kyouya finally cracked. Kaoru didn't even see it coming when his boyfriend pushed him into the wall, successfully trapping the shorter boy against the wall.

"Kaoru…?" he said quietly, his tone low ad warning. Kaoru's amber eyes grew wide and he shook his head, already knowing what was coming. Kyouya pressed on. "Kaoru…what's wrong?"

"N-n-n-nothing," the red head stuttered.

"I don't buy that, Kaoru." Again, he said the younger boy's name, stressing his personal feel in this speech. "Now tell me: Kaoru, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, I told you!" Kaoru's tone turned defensive. Attempting to push his senpai off him resulted in nothing; the brunette was much larger than the red head muscle wise, and used all of this to keep his sex-buddy pinned to the wall. Kaoru sneered, huffing, "Kyouya, let go of me! I don't want to talk to you now."

"Not until you tell me what's wrong. Tell me now, and I'll let you go."

"This is sexual harassment, Kyouya," Kaoru sneered, struggling again. "Let me GO!!"

"What kind of boyfriend or even friend would I be if I let you act like this? You haven't even told Hikaru, have you?"

Dropping his defenses, Kaoru looked down. "He didn't ask…"

"Well, I'm asking now. Kaoru, what's wrong? And don't lie to me this time."

The red head didn't look up, instead he traced the line of the knots in Kyouya's shoes laces with his eyes, fighting tears. Forcing a tender tone in his voice, Kyouya traced a finger under Kaoru's chin, forcing the twin to look up at him. Again, he tried. "Kaoru, what's wrong?"

A single tear slid down Kaoru's cheek and he took a deep breath. "Okay…okay, do you really want to know…?"

Kyouya nodded slowly. "Yyeess."

Kaoru took another breath, sighing.

"Nothing."


	5. Chapter: TUDGoPL

**Guide To An Unsuccessful Relationship**

**Chapter Five: The Unrelenting, Daily Grind of Pure Love**

_Now that you're officially going out, you can finally enjoy the unrelenting daily grind of love!_

_This is about the time when you start to learn much more about each other. _

It was a shock—really. When Tamaki insisted that Kyouya do something romantic and unexpected, the Shadow King did not expect to walk in on something so…incriminating. Or visually shocking.

The Hitachiin mansion was large, but by no means sound proof, so when loud music permeated the air in the entrance hall, the youngest of the Ootori's forewent the maids showing him to Kaoru's whereabouts and instead went on a little self exploration. It was more of a gut feeling than anything else, as Kyouya had no idea of exactly where "his little red head" was.

As it turned out, the music originated from the south end of the estate—an end Kyouya knew well was the Hitachiin's fashion studio, where both Hikaru and Kaoru spent most of their weekends if their mother was home. The room was adorned with strove lights, high resolution lamps and many, many life sized portraits, many of which were a set of twins in different stages of life.

When Kaoru had first shown Kyouya this room, he had flat out refused to talk about the actual photo shoots. Kyouya had queried—employing his powers of persuasions—but to no avail. The Hitachiin had flat out refused, blushed a brilliant shade of red and switched the topic suspiciously. Now Kyouya saw why.

"Ohmigod—Kyouya!!" Kaoru yelled, dropping his hands to pull the flurry boa closer to him, side stepping and hiding behind a boy with black hair to match Kaoru's wig. Startled, the boy looked towards the brunette and lowered the sunglasses he was wearing to reveal amber eyes that were all too familiar.

"Hey, senpai," Hikaru greeted casually, waving before glaring at the camera and leaning so that Kaoru's flushed face was exposed before the camera flashed. ("Beautiful!!" the photographer exclaimed bubbly."

Kyouya stared, his mouth in a thing line and eyes hidden behind the film of his glasses. He'd never expected to see this…this Kaoru hiking up his skirt and lifting a fish netted leg to hug around Hikaru's wait…This bizarre and completely unorthodox way of employing their host club act to real life…This blatant disregard if limits of taboo…or being male.

Throughout the whole seven minutes he stood there, Kaoru continued to shoot worried glances his way—an action that the photographer complained about when it was caught on film. Hikaru's smirk merely widened and he, in almost a gloating manor, hugged his little brother closer to him. It was awkward.

"Alright, alright! Everyone take tens—Hitachiins numbers One and Two! Costume change!!! Number Two—Concubine student! Number One—British professor!"

Still looking worried, Kaoru clacked over (it could have be called running, but being unaccustomed to heels made it more of a staggering shuffle) and threw his wig into a nearby chair as a mass of people converged around him and Hikaru with blond wigs and general costume change. As his risqué clothing being stripped by and in front of at least twenty people somewhat explained why both the twins were so comfortable with being partially (or entirely, as the time may have it) nude in front of others. As both Hikaru and Kaoru had been modeling for YEARS! Speaking of the younger of the twins…

"Look, this isn't what it looks like! This was my mother's first solo assignment for myself and Hikaru, so we had to take some pornographs—I mean, photographs for the sake of it. And she didn't specify what type of pictures she wanted, so we just came up with—Ow! Watch the pins!—this and ran with it. When our mother said 'surprise me', we…kinda…of…well…it was…you see…" Kaoru floundered, staring pleadingly at his boyfriend with main pressure on the irises. God, Kaoru had Bambie Eyes to rival Tamaki's puppy-dog pout.

"Save your breath, Kaoru," Kyouya told him suspiciously. "I don't want to hear it."

He looked both relieved and affronted by this fact, and practically being dragged back to the set where Hikaru and the photographer were waiting didn't help this mood. "You—you don't? I thought you'd be curious as to why your boyfriend is dressing in drag!" If the crew was shocked, they kept their surprise to a verbal minimum.

Kyouya rolled his eyes, and scoffed. He turned gracefully and made his way back out the door, all but throwing the roses and chocolate after the black wig. He could barely suppress a shudder as the music started to pulse again, but he's pretty that the red head heard what he called over his shoulder; "I learned a lot about you just now, Kaoru. Maybe more than I ever wanted to."

-

_And you can tell each other exactly what you're thinking._

Today was an off day. Several of the host members had failed tests in several different subjects—this causing frayed nerves and flaring tempers. At current time, the more irritable of which being Tamaki—who had failed Geometry ("How could he? Hikaru had teased. "He's a total block head!"), Kaoru—who had failed Math and (surprisingly) Kyouya, who had failed Spanish. This made for horrible hosting time and attitude so the club was temporarily closed, even though they all showed up anyway.

Now, much like the other times that they had not been hosting, Hikaru sat with Haruhi, Tamaki across from them and Hunny and Mori sat with large chairs drawn up to the coffee table with a large collection of cakes and candies. Kyouya and Kaoru sat together as well, but more out of duty than desire to do so. The twins were next to each other, but not "together" and at the current time the Shadow King was attempting to stay as far away from the younger Hitachiin as possible while still looking natural, where as Tamaki couldn't stop complaining.

"I had most of it right!!—"

"All except 79% of it," Hikaru cut in/

"It was simply unfair!! I was not born a genius with shapes—"

"Not a genius at all."

"—It isn't like anyone can just identify what certain type of triangle has less than a 90% angle!!"

"It's an isosoles, mi'lord."

"I wasn't joking, you Devilish red head! This is not making me feel better! I should be ashamed!! Why!! Why am I such a fool when it comes to geometric shapes!? WHY!?!??"

"You're a blockhead, senpai. It runs in your blood. It's a wonder you didn't fail by mo—"

"Hikaru…" Kaoru said quietly, not even looking at his brother. Everyone looked expectantly at him. "Shut up."

The older red head looked affronted, and could do nothing but gape at his twin, eyes wide and staring. It wasn't like Kaoru to snap at him like that; It wasn't like him to snap at all!! How bent was the stick up his back side?

"Just because mi'lord failed his test doesn't mean you should rub it in." Kaoru continued, glaring at the tea table.

Tamaki's lower lip trembled and his eyes glistened and he extended a hand toward the twin. "Thank you, dear doppelganger." But Kaoru didn't stop.

"Just because you failed one friggin' test doesn't mean you can act so incredibly stuck up and not talk to anyone about it. You sucking at languages doesn't mean you can take it out on others." The other hosts had a distinct impression that Kaoru wasn't talking about Hikaru anymore, nor Tamaki for that matter. "It's not like Spanish is the first thing you've sucked at." All eyes darted to Kyouya; his face was impassive—the calm before the storm.

"Kaoru, man, stop!"

"He's the Shadow King!"

"Kao-chan! Be careful!"

"Kaoru…"

"DOPPLEGANGER!! Don't do it!!"

All the whispered warnings were deflected as easily as jello slid off a wall when thrown. Kaoru glared (he didn't even know _why_ he was mad, really) and shuffled uncomfortable in his chair, huffing indignantly. And then Kyouya spoke.

"What's that supposed to mean, Kaoru?" he growled, eyebrow twitching and giving away his displeasure.

And Kaoru blew.

"It's easy!" he yelled, face tinged light red. "You act like everything's so damned easy! And it's really not! Why would you act like nothing's wrong—I flunked a test, too, and I'm not even acting like everything's okay! You just can't get over the fact that you suck!!"

A collective breath was drawn as Tamaki and Hunny clung to each other and Haruhi and Hikaru slowly edged away from the fighting couple little by little until the red head was practically perched on the crossdresser's lap. Kyouya actually looked at Kaoru, the light dancing off his glasses dangerously.

"Yes—you suck! You suck at everything and you always have and you always will!" Kaoru plowed on, angry tears seeping from the corners of his eyes. "You even prematurely suck at things that haven't even been invented yet!!" And he stood, shouldering his way out of the circle of chairs and making his way towards the door.

Everyone watched him go, gasping between the devilish twin and the Shadow King. No one had any idea what was happening between the two.

At the door of the Third Music Room, Kaoru froze, turned and forced a smile. "Don't worry," he simpered, "I still haven't found your replacement."

-

_And you'll be able to spot each other's subtle signals._

It was there—plaid as day. It was a little over obvious when the picture frame was on Kyouya's personal desk. More accurately, just above his desk. A large, wooden framed family portrait with almost life-sized figures. As far as he knew, every room had a picture of the Ootori men (and boys), some varied enough to include his sister (but none of his mother). They were all professionally taken and complimentary.

The…Why oh why was a butcher knife stuck in a very 'sensitive' part of his picture? Thirteen stab wounds to the paper before the knife finally stuck into the frame backing.

Kyouya sighed and placed his school bag onto the table top. "Kaoru…" he sighed, wrenching the knife from the picture and placing it lightly against his bag. "Kaoru, you can come out now."

There was silence, and then the rustling of his curtains and the moody Hitachiin twin stalked over to the other boy and the desk and reached for the knife. "Oh, there that is. I was looking for it—now just to find something to…" he glared "…butcher."

Kyouya caught his boyfriend's wrist, and yanked it away from the weapon. Kaoru grappled for it, but failed and wound up flushed flat against the taller boy. He huffed and blew his bangs out of his eyes frustratedly.

"Let go of me…" he said, allowing his limbs to go slack before suddenly attempting to get away. Kyouya didn't budge.

"I know it was you, Kaoru," he growled, nodding his head towards the picture frame, and using his hips to block Kaoru in his attempt to snatch at the knife again. 'What's wrong with you?"

"Why nothing, _sweetheart_," Kaoru lunged again, but the homicidal twin was kept at bay.

"Is something wrong, _darling_," Kyouya sneered back.

"Let go of me and I'll tell you, honey," Kaoru yapped, wrenching again. This time, Kyouya let go.

The red head stumbled backwards, paused and then lunged. He managed to make it past Kyouya this time and grabbed the knife, which he plunged (once again) into the fork of picture-Kyouya's legs. Mission accomplished, the red head whirled around and fled gracefully.

The youngest of the Ootori's was not lost for words—he found most of them to be inappropriate. He stared at Kaoru's retreating back, eyes cool and calculating. He opened and closed his mouth several times before asking composedly, "Are you mad at me or something?"


	6. Chapter 6: It's Over

**Guide To An Unsuccessful Relationship**

**Chapter Six: It's Over**

_What more can you say about love that lasts forever?_

_Breaking up is hard. Be gentle. _

It wasn't like this change was a total shock. At least, not to the two main hosts involved in the relationship; the rest were surprised—an extensive amount so. Hunny looked on the verge of tears on Monday, when he heard the news. Mori was reasonably impassive, but his eyes displayed his obvious shock. Tamaki was uncharacteristically quiet; he simply stared, mouth gaping. Haruhi was generally the same, except she was forced to hold back Hikaru when the twin attempted to sucker punch his little brother's (now ex_ boyfriend.

Kyouya and Kaoru, on the hand, were completely calm. The Shadow King didn't even bat an eyes as he dodged a raging twin before the boys classmate could successfully subdue him. The Devilish Type smirked a little as he turned towards his newly announced ex-boyfriend.

"I think that went well," he sneered lightly. His upper lip—unbidden—pulled itself upwards and showed his teeth in the infamous Hitachiin smirk.

Kyouya's eyebrows twitched. "I agree," he conceded, dipping his head in acknowledgement. "It's about time this façade was called off. It was getting rather…"

"Stressed, stupid, crazy, unrealistic?" Kaoru offered. He visibly stiffened as Hikaru shouted from across the room: "They're still finishing each other's sentences!! They can't be splitting up!!"

Tamaki had sat down, still staring at his friends and Hunny had long since been reduced to hysterics.

Kaoru dropped his head and mussed with his bangs before looking into the glass coated onyx eyes. "Well, this is kind of awkward."

"Not really," Kyouya stated, sitting down and pulling out his notebook and pen. "Not for me, anyway. I really despised this 'take-take' relationship with you. It's more trouble than it's worth."

"So you for sure want to break up?" Kaoru asked blankly, also sitting.

"You'll get used to the idea, Kaoru. I never really pegged you for the type who'd get overly attached to the person who took your virginity."

Kaoru blushed slightly and narrowed his eyes. "I'm not, Kyouya—"

"Senpai."

"Excuse me?"

"Senpai. Since we are no longer dating, it is inappropriate for you to call me by my name without a suffix, Hitachiin-san."

The boy flinched. "I hate you,_ senpai_," he ground out, biting his teeth to resist sticking out his tongue.

"Yes, but you see, Kaoru," the bespectacled boy sighed, adjusting his glasses, "Hate is just a special type of love that we give to people who—"

"—suck…"

-

_Take some responsibility._

Kyouya blinked, slightly surprised. Across the room, Hikaru complained again about how they couldn't have broken up if they're still finishing each other's sentences. Kaoru blushed and looked down.

"Yes, suck," Kyouya said, eyeing the red head apprehensively.

"So…" Kaoru said lightly, shuffling his feet in the carpet and forcing himself to look his ex-lover in the eyes. It might have been a trick of the light, but the youngest of the Ootori's could have sworn those shockingly amber eyes were glassy…wet.

He waited for the red head to continue, but Kaoru said nothing. "So…" he prompted gently, employing the voice he used to fake compassion. Only, it wasn't so faked anymore. God, what had this boy done to him?

"So, we are really breaking up?"

Kyouya sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and using his other fingers to massage his temples. Truth be told, he'd seen this question coming. It hadn't been like this ending of the relationship had been single sided—It was a mutual agreement, but the Shadow King had long since known that the younger of the devilish twins had issues letting go of people. The way he would occasionally look at Hikaru, glare at Haruhi or snap at Tamaki was attribute to this. It was a delicate situation at best, and one that needed to be hanfled with care, and the only way Kyouya knew to "care" for Kaoru was reasonably inappropriate for their current audience. So, he settled for the closest he could get in their current company.

He held the red heads hand. Just innocently and just for a second—long enough for him to look into Kaoru's eyes and nod sympathetically. "It's going to work out fine, Kaoru," Kyouya assured him calmly. "It's not you. It's me. Really. I'm the one who wants out of this—"

"—Sucky relationship?" Kaoru attempted. He earned a small smile.

-

_Be flexible and mature._

Again, they both ignored Hikaru's complaining and Haruhi's blatant reason for why he should NOT hit Kyouya. Tamaki had seen the brief hand-holding and was acting as if he hadn't. It was a slightly painful atmosphere.

Done touching Kaoru, Kyouya withdrew his hand, opened his notebook and began to calculate exactly how much they would lose in club financing and marketing from this abrupt end of the KyouKao era. Simultaneously, he told Kaoru: "Of course , we can still be friends."

The Hitachiin scoffed lightly. "We'll be the type of friends who throw up in their mouth a little every time they see each other." This earned a disapproving glance from the taller boy, but Kaoru ignored it.

"I don't see the point in doing that, Kaoru," the brunette pointed out, making to stand up and pack his bag. The profit lose was monumental, but nothing that couldn't be made up in due time. "And what type of friend would we be if we despised each other, then?"

"Enemies," Kaoru deadpanned. He, too, made to pack up.

"Do you want to be enemies, Kaoru?"

A slightly demonic smirk met this question. "We'll see."

**AWWW! Thank you to all my lovely reviewers! I'm glad I could make some of you laugh, at least! ^^ It made my beta readers bawl, but they laugh easily! Kisses for the lot of you! ^^ And this is NOT the end! There's still one more chapter!**


	7. Chapter 7: The Breakup Letter

**Guide To An Unsuccessful Relationship**

**Chapter Seven: The Break-up Letter**

_It's always better to break up with someone in person, but sometimes you just don't feel like it._

How the break up began/how the relationship ended: a letter.

Dear Kyouya,

Thanks for the several pleasant days handjobs weeks that we shared. Although at first it seemed as though we were a match made in haste Tokyo heaven, I now realize that I need something less pale not psyco more in my life.

Hurting you was the first last thing I'd ever want to do, but I can't hide my new romance disgust feelings any longer. I hope you understand choke on vomit heal quickly.

When you think back on what we had, I hope that you'll be kind floating face down in a river happy, and you'll always know that part of me will never always care about you.

I want you to know that I will treasure deeply, with all my heart, the beautiful memory of when we fucked did all those stupid things made fun of Tamaki and Hikaru, and I will never think of it as just some stupid thing we did once.

Love, Cram It, Always Your Friend

Kaoru


End file.
